...i look out into the rain that is coming down so forcefully and think to myself this is beautiful ..plants are getting plenty of water ...i see it as the earth getting cleansed...latley its been filled with negativity and dishonesty .... i feel little cold drops of it on my skin and i shiver fer a sec..... i find this relaxing and peaceful i have music playing in the background.... i have alot on my mind though and i wanna release it .....
..i recently started hanging out with a girl we will call johnny ( she is obsessed with johnny depp ) ...little flashes of lightning are a tad scary but im ok ...anyways ..we started hanging out as friends and things soon became more and it was great atleast i thought it was ...well it started to get weird before we left her house ...she said something about her ex and we talked but there was no hard feelings and then we get to ..hmmm sandys house ( another name fer a friend ) ....when we get to sandys things got really weird ...i smoke with sandy and everytime i do when ash is around she always gets weird ...PLEASE FOLLOW ME CAUS EITS ABOUT TO GET REALLY SCATTERD BUT MY POINT ER FEELINGS ?..WILL GET ACROSS... i just dont get how over the weekend she showed me so much attention and was really sweet to me and i was to her we had fun and everything it was natural it was good we are good with eachother .. keep one an other on their toes...anywho even last week she was gonna surprise me and brought me dinner and a movie ... i was at meagans and she never told me she was coming over ...johnny does this thing where she wants to throw hints instead of being straight forward with me .... and i on the other hand need a straight forward answer im not gonna pay attention to any hints that are tossed my way ..if u want u tell me basically ... anyways she hugged me and idk it was good and like i said when we left her house it was weird ..but we went back to my house and had a great great night ....i pleasured her all night and she seemed so sweet when she left and things were fine .... but then they some how got weird and at first i thiught i was making them weird so i tried to snap out of it but it didnt work ... her energy was sooo off it was stoopid if you didnt notice and so i couldnt sleep she could .... and her snoring added on top of me not sleeping lol .... but she gets scared i guess and just runs away ..she wants to still hook up but not date andi think she felt it was coming to us dating so she became an ass .. im not wanting to hurt her those arnt my intentions at all ! ... we feel the same way about labels and being free ... i dont care who she flirts with cause i flirt but its only flirtung and nothing more ... but she always the one making plans so i really am like wtf !?!?! ... u always make plans fer us to do stuff liek i just agree cause waht ever happens and she just stops it .... i kinda wanna just go back and just be her "special friend" and not date ...but i cant cause im worth more than any of that ! and i like her and believe she does feel the same way about me but is just scared ...i hate it im willing to take it slow with her and do it right but she is CONFUSED ....idk i trued to sleep last night and i couldnt ..i couldnt sleep at all :/ i tossed and turned andthen she called me by accident after all this ...she was trying to call someone else and calledme and she was asking the person to come over ... said she was having a bad day and night .... asked if i could come over after she realized it was me and i said no and that was it .... so this morning i told her i didnt wanna see her fer a while and she goes if thats how u feel .... umm yeah i dont think johnny realizes anything she had just said .... women are just confusing and i just want someone who wasnt and knows they want me and just me cause i would feel the same i been talking to my ex as well ...johnny and i were not together...if she was sure of us i would stop talking to her but she wasnt and i know she is talking to someone else... she has to be ... ugh ! i hate this ...and i manifested fer this girl she is what i want and sandy says that " its worth fighting for " but how can i fight fer something when the other party is saying they dont want anything more ? .... i guess time will tell right ?...i mean im not gonna wait im gonna have to keep moving forward being happy and going about my day and life..... i wont turn away new opportunity with someone else but i will keep myself open fer her cause apart of me feel she is gonna come around .... and i think the fact that she was with a sagg before and they were together fer 2 years and she was happy and i remind her of the ex i guess in some way .... her family loves me .... i askedthe universe to just GIVE ME ASHLEY !...she is what i want ... i know we can be amazing let her see that and be nicer and realize she can be happy and that im not gonna hurt her ....im sure your wondering about the ex ...0_o well i kinda still have feelings fer her ...we ended but we wernt done ...alot happened with her and i and since we reconnected things have been better ...maybe its distance ?..maybe its her trying to piss off her ex that is now with my ex .... idk but i do have feelings fer her but its like at the same time ill be so quick to let her go and move forward with ashley .....ugh what am i doing..i need that attention ...but i let my needyness fer that get to me so much that im gonna end up hurting my ex in the long run and i hate it .....soo im soo stuck i could do it now but it would hurt her i woul dhurt and things would get crazy and i dont want that and she is going through enough ughh osdlkjgvlkdj;glk m...till next time
