i swear it never adds up...

...not even the afternoon and i fight with my roomie...i have been off and i felt this coming between us... this arguement this little case of the bullshit....this all came about because HER dog pooped in the room and i didnt clean it up first off not my responsibility and when i left there was no poop anywhere to be found im not gonna stop my life for her er that damn dog ...so i dont have a job and we had an agreement that i would clean the house and yeah look after her dog put food in the house i do all those things this is the first time i have not picked up shit.... she never did even before i came ..she stopped going to school ..im such a good friend to her she lis to me dicks me over does shit behind my back ...im never at that damn house and she says i dont care ...too bad i care more about that stioopid house then she ever did ..its nasty when im not there and smells .... i do what i can fer this girl i look fer jobs and shit to help myself but nothing is budging er coming my way ....i feel like the world is against me ... my ex can move on and have agf with in the 2nd week of us breaking up fer good and be fine .. and then she lies about my cats and i have no idea where they are at ...i have so much shit going on i feel its soo heavy ... i have been off and this is all why ...the girl i liked scared herself off .... i get kicked outta my house over bs..... ugh i feel like i have nothing ...i trust in the universe but sometimes get so heavy on me idk what else to do but cry and think pessimistic cause of all the shit going around me at once...it never stops ..my sister is about to have a baby in july she hates where she lives i hate when she tells me she is being mistreated er someone hurting her and im the big sister and im supposed to look out fer her and i cant even look out fer myself :// i feel uselss like a bum a failure nothing a big nobody ... i want someone to be there i want a lover ..but how can i offer them anything when i have nothing ....but back to what i was saying my roomate is selfish she cares about no one but herself .... she lies she is deceitful ...then again she is only 19 ... she stopped going to school she is a "lesbian" and having sex with random guys lies to people i care about she sits and talks about all my friends cause no one likes her she is very immature ..ugh im moving forward anyways ..like the words of a wise friend " maybe this is supposed to happen a closed chapter a  new one is coming and there is no need fer her or that house "...maybe she is right ...maybe things are about to get wonderful for me and im gonna have a place to stay someone is gonna work with m eon getting a job ..goin back to school getting my license getting my shit right ..and ill be happy... this is a blessing in disguise ?..i dont see it as of yet but im sure it will play out in time ,.....PATIENCE comes into play ...i feel its been too long fer me to not be working or having someone or just anything...and well maybe in all reality it hasnt been that long i always want it then there and now with certain things...maybe a wait is whats needed ...i dont see why when i feel so low and hurt.....im also about to bleed 0_o which makes things worse but i need to cry i havent cried i always feel a bit better after i do ...but ugh ..like why do things have to be this way ..... i got an offer to go on the open road ill have work .... do i go ? .... i should go experience shit i want too maybe something will come outta of it fer me that i need and have always wanted..im gonna look fer jobs before i go if i decide im gonna go ......

....patience

....im supposed to learn the importance of patience and worrying about me at this stage in my life right now....and its tough i tell ya its not easy ..im not a patient person and there is something that i want that i am learning how to wait for ... the more i look the more i feel what i want drifts further and further away from me ... and there are two particular things that pertain to this .... first off a JOB.... i feel the more i look fer a job the more it just doesnt come my way and everyone says u have to look fer a job and i do and i apply and i never get anything an di stay positive but i have been off track lately .... ugh i just wanna work i do all that i can and no one hires me ...then i feel like a bum .... i think to myself maybe the universe doesnt want me to have a job right now ..and im like why ? thats what i think but im not doing anything that should be keeping me from having a job and i give them my friends number to call and she hasnt gotten anything lately ...i just dont know what to do and i make an effort i really do ... there is alot  of pressure on me as well to get a job and my friends talk to me like im a kid ...it bothers me soo much im 22 years old ... i know im always making jokes and im care free about shit but thats me i see the positive side of things no matter how bad ... just cause im not stressing over shit like most people do does not mean i dont know how to look fer a job er dress the part ...im  over it ... i mean not having a job right now is ok ... my life isnt sad er anything..but at times i feel useless cause im not out working and i hate not having a job .... but is this where i insert patience and wait fer the right job ?....the right opportunity ... it sucks cause the more time passes the more stuff i need the harder it gets ?..i know how to live without money........and the other subject is companionship..i dont wanna say a relationship..i hate titles ...im at the point in my life where i want someone that i can be with long term that will take me fer me all of me ... i manifested it and i feel like the person that came in my life was it ...and then it just slipped away... maybe she wasnt right but she felt right ?...er did i just want her to feel right...idk ... i know that im looking fer someone to be there fer me the way i want and the way i want them to allow me and i feel like its such a big "request" the universe isnt giving it to me...thats when patience plays apart in this stage in life... i hate waiting cause the days grown longer lonlier ...then i question myself and woryy about my appearence like am i not pretty enough ?...there is someone fer everyone they say ..and i feel like no one fer me ..idk i feel like life is testing me with this .... i dont like ..it but i need to overcome it as i need patience i need to learn things like this come in time ... she will be worth the wait...i never wanna rush anything b ut i feel like i wanna rush a relationship and i dont do stuff like that ... like i just want someone to talk to ....i hate that i need someone to feed my ego constantly ....i want what i want and i want it now ....but i guess there is some reason that im not ment to be with anyone right now....maybe its the fact that im talking to other girls and i dnt know it ...like i have attention..but i tell girls false things just so they wont go anywhere :/...i just wanna be happy with someone....i mean its kinda much but the next person i want them to be my ideal mate and fer it to work fer a very long time...i feel i deserve the best .... im never good with waiting fer anything i can tell others and give them the advice ..i should take my own advice when it comes to me i do the complete opposite and im all messed up on the inside after.... i know my life is being tested at its darkest hour..i say darkest hour cause im letting myself feel ..i never do i have no idea what real emotion is and im learning it ..rather feeling it and i want someone there .... ah ha maybe the universe sees this at me learning myself and thinks i need time to myself ....ill tell u what it sucks and is another world for me.... im getting off topic ....soo i guess patience is a virtue .... a virtue i need to learn and one i need to start practicing ....

...rain

...i look out into the rain that is coming down so forcefully and think to myself this is beautiful ..plants are getting plenty of water ...i see it as the earth getting cleansed...latley its been filled with negativity and dishonesty .... i feel little cold drops of it on my skin and i shiver fer a sec..... i find this relaxing and peaceful i have music playing in the background.... i have alot on my mind though and i wanna release it  .....
..i recently started hanging out with a girl we will call johnny ( she is obsessed with johnny depp ) ...little flashes of lightning are a tad scary but im ok ...anyways ..we started hanging out as friends and things soon became more and it was great atleast i thought it was ...well it started to get weird  before we left her house ...she said something about her ex and we talked but there was no hard feelings and then we get to ..hmmm sandys house ( another name fer a friend ) ....when we get to sandys things got really weird ...i smoke with sandy and everytime i do when ash is around she always gets weird ...PLEASE FOLLOW ME CAUS EITS ABOUT TO GET REALLY SCATTERD BUT MY POINT ER FEELINGS  ?..WILL GET ACROSS... i just dont get how over the weekend she showed me so much attention and was really sweet to me and i was to her we had fun and everything it was natural it was good we are good with eachother .. keep one an other on their toes...anywho even last week she was gonna surprise me and brought me dinner and a movie ... i was at meagans and she never told me she was coming over ...johnny does this thing where she wants to throw hints instead of being straight forward with me .... and i on the other hand need a straight forward answer im not gonna pay attention to any hints that are tossed my way ..if u want u tell me basically ... anyways she hugged me and idk it was good and like i said when we left her house it was weird ..but we went back to my house and had a great great night ....i pleasured her all night and she seemed so sweet when she left and things were fine .... but then they some how got weird and at first i thiught i was making them weird so i tried to snap out of it but it didnt work ... her energy was sooo off it was stoopid if you didnt notice and so i couldnt sleep she could .... and her snoring added on top of me not sleeping lol .... but she gets scared i guess and just runs away ..she wants to still hook up but not date andi think she felt it was coming to us dating so she became an ass .. im not wanting to hurt her those arnt my intentions at all ! ... we feel the same way about labels and being free ... i dont care who she flirts with cause i flirt but its only flirtung and nothing more ... but she always the one making plans so i really am like wtf !?!?! ... u always make plans fer us to do stuff liek i just agree cause waht ever happens and she just stops it .... i kinda wanna just go back and just be her "special friend" and not date ...but i cant cause im worth more than any of that ! and i like her and believe she does feel the same way about me but is just scared ...i hate it im willing to take it slow with her and do it right but she is CONFUSED ....idk i trued to sleep last night and i couldnt ..i couldnt sleep at all :/ i tossed and turned andthen she called me by accident after all this ...she was trying to call someone else and calledme and she was asking the person to come over ... said she was having  a bad day and night .... asked if i could come over after she realized it was me and i said no and that was it .... so this morning i told her i didnt wanna see her fer a while and she goes if thats how u feel .... umm yeah i dont think johnny realizes anything she had just said .... women are just confusing and i just want someone who wasnt and knows they want me and just me cause i would feel the same i been talking to my ex as well ...johnny and i were not together...if she was sure of us i would stop talking to her but she wasnt and i know she is talking to someone else... she has to be ... ugh ! i hate this ...and i manifested fer this girl she is what i want and sandy says that " its worth fighting for " but how can i fight fer something when the other party is saying they dont want anything more ? .... i guess time will tell right ?...i mean im not gonna wait im gonna have to keep moving forward being happy and going about my day and life..... i wont turn away new opportunity with someone else but i will keep myself open fer her cause apart of me feel she is gonna come around .... and i think the fact that she was with a sagg before and they were together fer 2 years and she was happy and i remind her of the ex i guess in some way .... her family loves me .... i askedthe universe to just GIVE ME ASHLEY !...she is what i want ... i know we can be amazing let her see that and be nicer and realize she can be happy and that im not gonna hurt her ....im sure your wondering about the ex ...0_o well i kinda still have feelings fer her ...we ended but we wernt done ...alot happened with her and i and since we reconnected things have been better ...maybe its distance ?..maybe its her trying to piss off her ex that is now with my ex .... idk but i do have feelings fer her but its like at the same time ill be so quick to let her go and move forward with ashley .....ugh what am i doing..i need that attention ...but i let my needyness fer that get to me so much that im gonna end up hurting my ex in the long run and i hate it .....soo im soo stuck i could do it now but it would hurt her i woul dhurt and things would get crazy and i dont want that and she is going through  enough ughh osdlkjgvlkdj;glk m...till next time