....patience

....im supposed to learn the importance of patience and worrying about me at this stage in my life right now....and its tough i tell ya its not easy ..im not a patient person and there is something that i want that i am learning how to wait for ... the more i look the more i feel what i want drifts further and further away from me ... and there are two particular things that pertain to this .... first off a JOB.... i feel the more i look fer a job the more it just doesnt come my way and everyone says u have to look fer a job and i do and i apply and i never get anything an di stay positive but i have been off track lately .... ugh i just wanna work i do all that i can and no one hires me ...then i feel like a bum .... i think to myself maybe the universe doesnt want me to have a job right now ..and im like why ? thats what i think but im not doing anything that should be keeping me from having a job and i give them my friends number to call and she hasnt gotten anything lately ...i just dont know what to do and i make an effort i really do ... there is alot  of pressure on me as well to get a job and my friends talk to me like im a kid ...it bothers me soo much im 22 years old ... i know im always making jokes and im care free about shit but thats me i see the positive side of things no matter how bad ... just cause im not stressing over shit like most people do does not mean i dont know how to look fer a job er dress the part ...im  over it ... i mean not having a job right now is ok ... my life isnt sad er anything..but at times i feel useless cause im not out working and i hate not having a job .... but is this where i insert patience and wait fer the right job ?....the right opportunity ... it sucks cause the more time passes the more stuff i need the harder it gets ?..i know how to live without money........and the other subject is companionship..i dont wanna say a relationship..i hate titles ...im at the point in my life where i want someone that i can be with long term that will take me fer me all of me ... i manifested it and i feel like the person that came in my life was it ...and then it just slipped away... maybe she wasnt right but she felt right ?...er did i just want her to feel right...idk ... i know that im looking fer someone to be there fer me the way i want and the way i want them to allow me and i feel like its such a big "request" the universe isnt giving it to me...thats when patience plays apart in this stage in life... i hate waiting cause the days grown longer lonlier ...then i question myself and woryy about my appearence like am i not pretty enough ?...there is someone fer everyone they say ..and i feel like no one fer me ..idk i feel like life is testing me with this .... i dont like ..it but i need to overcome it as i need patience i need to learn things like this come in time ... she will be worth the wait...i never wanna rush anything b ut i feel like i wanna rush a relationship and i dont do stuff like that ... like i just want someone to talk to ....i hate that i need someone to feed my ego constantly ....i want what i want and i want it now ....but i guess there is some reason that im not ment to be with anyone right now....maybe its the fact that im talking to other girls and i dnt know it ...like i have attention..but i tell girls false things just so they wont go anywhere :/...i just wanna be happy with someone....i mean its kinda much but the next person i want them to be my ideal mate and fer it to work fer a very long time...i feel i deserve the best .... im never good with waiting fer anything i can tell others and give them the advice ..i should take my own advice when it comes to me i do the complete opposite and im all messed up on the inside after.... i know my life is being tested at its darkest hour..i say darkest hour cause im letting myself feel ..i never do i have no idea what real emotion is and im learning it ..rather feeling it and i want someone there .... ah ha maybe the universe sees this at me learning myself and thinks i need time to myself ....ill tell u what it sucks and is another world for me.... im getting off topic ....soo i guess patience is a virtue .... a virtue i need to learn and one i need to start practicing ....